A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
- Joey Adams
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In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage.
- Robert Anderson
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The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play the violin.
- Honore de Balzac
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A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
- Honore de Balzac
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The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
- Brendan Behan
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Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.
- Ambrose Bierce
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Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.
- Ambrose Bierce
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Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
- Ambrose Bierce
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Marrying for love may be a bit risky, but it is so honest that God can't help but smile on it.
- Josh Billings
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Love-matches are made by people who are content, for a month of honey, to condemn themselves to a life of vinegar.
- Countess of Blessington
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A dress that zips up the back will bring a husband and wife together.
- James H. Boren
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The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons that what she doesn't know won't hurt him.
- Leo J. Burke
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I have great hopes that we shall love each other all our lives as much as if we had never married at all.
- Lord Byron
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Marriage is a feast where the grace is sometimes better than the dinner.
- Charles Caleb Colton
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Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
- Billy Connolly
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Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.
- Irwin Corey
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I'd marry again if I found a man who had fifteen million dollars, would sign over half to me, and guarantee that he'd be dead within a year.
- Bette Davis
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It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.
- Benjamin Disraeli
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No man is regular in his attendance at the House of Commons until he is married.
- Benjamin Disraeli
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Don't marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can't live without.
- James C. Dobson
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Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.
- Isadora Duncan
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Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out, and such as are out wish to get in?
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
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It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.
- Robert Frost
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A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
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Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
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On rare occasions one does hear of a miraculous case of a married couple falling in love after marriage, but on close examination it will be found that it is a mere adjustment to the inevitable.
- Emma Goldman
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I've been married to one Marxist and one Fascist, and neither one would take the garbage out.
- Lee Grant
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Marriage, like money, is still with us; and, like money, progressively devalued.
- Robert Graves
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When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
- Sacha Guitry
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A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers.
- Grace Hansen
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Almost no one is foolish enough to imagine that he automatically deserves great success in any field of activity; yet almost everyone believes that he automatically deserves success in marriage.
- Sydney J. Harris
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The Wedding March always reminds me of the music played when soldiers go into battle.
- Heinrich Heine
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Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.
- Katharine Hepburn
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If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.
- Katharine Hepburn
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The concept of two people living together for 25 years without a serious dispute suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in sheep.
- A. P. Herbert
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Never get married in the morning - you never know who you might meet that night.
- Paul Hornung
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Never get married in college; it's hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you've already made one mistake.
- Elbert Hubbard
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All marriages are happy. It's the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.
- Raymond Hull
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Marriage is good for those who are afraid to sleep alone at night.
- St. Jerome
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Marriage is a mistake every man should make.
- George Jessel
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The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
- George Jessel
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There is so little difference between husbands you might as well keep the first.
- Adela Rogers St. Johns
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I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First, let her think she's having her own way. And second, let her have it.
- Lyndon B. Johnson
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Only choose in marriage a man whom you would choose as a friend if he were a woman.
- Joseph Joubert
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Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck. If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left.
- Jean Kerr
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If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.
- Alan King
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Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.
- Alan King
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You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
- Alan King
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Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?
- Alan King
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More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.
- Doug Larson
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Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.
- Stephen B. Leacock
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Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
- Groucho Marx
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A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be bothered with sex and all that sort of thing.
- William Somerset Maugham
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A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
- Mignon McLaughlin
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If you made a list of reasons why any couple got married, and another list of the reasons for their divorce, you'd have a hell of a lot of overlapping.
- Mignon McLaughlin
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Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband a month before she marries him and what she thinks of him a year afterward, and you will have the truth about him.
- H. L. Mencken
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Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too.
- H. L. Mencken
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A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.
- H. L. Mencken
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If I ever marry, it will be on a sudden impulse - as a man shoots himself.
- H. L. Mencken
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Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.
- H. L. Mencken
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No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single.
- H. L. Mencken
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Often the difference between a successful marriage and a mediocre one consists of leaving about three or four things a day unsaid.
- Harlan Miller
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Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.
- Marilyn Monroe
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A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
- Michel de Montaigne
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Marriage, a market which has nothing free but the entrance.
- Michel de Montaigne
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Marriage - a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters in prose.
- Beverley Nichols
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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
- Prince Philip
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Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife; she has thought much worse things about you.
- Jean Rostand
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It isn't tying himself to one woman that a man dreads when he thinks of marrying; it's separating himself from all the others.
- Helen Rowland
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When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.
- Helen Rowland
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Before marriage, a man will lay down his life for you; after marriage he won't even lay down his newspaper.
- Helen Rowland
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A husband is what is left of a lover, after the nerve has been extracted.
- Helen Rowland
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In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar - a practice which is still continued.
- Helen Rowland
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I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner
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Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner
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Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open.
- George Bernard Shaw
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My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
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Marriage: A word which should be pronounced "mirage".
- Herbert Spencer
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Someone asked me why women don't gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don't have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women's total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.
- Gloria Steinem
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Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand
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A wedding anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity. The order varies for any given year.
- Paul Sweeney
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One advantage of marriage is that, when you fall out of love with him or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you fall in again.
- Judith Viorst
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The bonds of matrimony are like any other bonds - they mature slowly.
- Peter De Vries
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The difficulty with marriage is that we fall in love with a personality, but must live with a character.
- Peter De Vries
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Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
- Mae West
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He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.
- Mae West
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How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.
- Oscar Wilde
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Marriage is a bribe to make the housekeeper think she's a householder.
- Thornton Wilder
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Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
- Henry Youngman
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The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- Henry Youngman
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